


Loki And The Yinzer

by 50251sid



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, F/M, Humor, Pittsburgh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 00:48:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1920399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/50251sid/pseuds/50251sid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A portal malfunction lands an escaping Loki into a unique corner of Midgard</p>
            </blockquote>





	Loki And The Yinzer

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Avalonmedieval](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avalonmedieval/gifts).



> My dear Avalonmedieval, awhile back you suggested that I write something about Loki, and I replied that you ABSOLUTELY own that fandom. However, while I have nowhere near your kinship with our favorite Asgardian, I do know and love my hometown. So here is a little work which I hope you like. In it, I tried to capture the flavor of Pittsburgh in both its accents and unique language and in the kindness, friendliness and helpfulness of its people. With much affection. sid

Loki landed with a thud, flat on his back, staring up at the sky.

What the hell happened? The last thing he knew he was stepping into the portal in Asgard and now here he was, lying on a plot of grass next to a highway where petroleum-powered vehicles were roaring past, emitting noxious fumes. Midgard. It could only be.

A vehicle was slowing down, pulling off onto the shoulder of the road. A tiny vehicle, driven by an equally tiny young woman who got out and approached him. She had long blonde hair with dark roots and wore a football jersey and cutoff denim shorts. She chomped a wad of gum and blew a large, pink bubble which immediately popped.

“Hey, are yinz OK?”

“Where am I? Who are you?”

“Holy shit, what happened to yinz? Don’t you know how you got here? Did you git knocked on the head or something?”

She helped him to his feet.

“Damn, you’re a big one! Good lookin’, too. What’s with the green leather getup? Are you going to a costume party?”

“I am Loki, of Asgard, and I am burdened with glorious purpose.”

“Huh?”

“This is obviously Midgard. Who are you?”

“Honey, this ain’t Midgard. This is Picksburgh. My name is Debbie. Rontowski. I was on my way to a pitnick. Wanna come wit’ me? I packed chipped chopped ham sammiches and IC Light beer n’at.”

“What’s a ‘pitnick?’”

“A pitnick. Where you take food to a park and sit on a blanket and eat. Play Frisbee. Or horseshoes n’at. Are yinz hungry? You can’t stay here onna Parkway West. C’mon, git in my Mini Cooper. I’ll drive yinz where you was goin’.”

“I was going to…why, I don’t remember. I think there was a malfunction with the Portal.”

“Yinz musta been conked onna head. Maybe I should call the paramedics to take yinz to the hospital.”

Another pink bubble inflated and popped.

“No, I’m fine. No hospital, please. I just need to get back to Asgard, at once.”

“Well, where is it?”

“It’s Asgard. Don’t you know of it?”

“Hey, I’m from South Side. If it’s across the river, I don’t know it.”

“Asgard is…” he raised his eyes upward, “above us. In the sky.”

“Oh, I get it. You’re a student at Carnegie Mellon University Drama School. A method actor. Can’t break character.”

“No, I tell you. I am Loki, of Asgard. God of mischief."

She opened the door of her Cooper and pushed his long frame into the passenger’s seat.

“Yeah, well, don’t be pranking on me, Loki, or whatever the hell your name is. Here. Take this road map and show me where Asgard is. Like, we’re right here, in Picksburgh.”

“It says ‘Pittsburgh.’”

“Like I said, Picksburgh. Pennsavania. Over here is Oakland, and right there, well, you should recognize that. That’s where your school is, CMU. If I drove you there, would you be able to get back to Asgard then? Listen, are you sure you don’t mean Aspinwall? Or Garfield?”

“Asgard. I’m sure.  What is that sphere that keeps emerging from your mouth?  Is it a breathing device?"

“Naw, man.  It's bubble gum.  Here. Use my phone and call someone to come git you.”

“I…I cannot.”

“How’s come?”

“I don’t remember anyone.”

“Okay, we’re going to Allegheny General Hospital. You got knocked silly. You need looked at.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Unless you start remembering stuff.”

“Let me think.”

“Well, while you're thinking, I’m driving to AGH.”

“Um… I’m from Asgard.”

“Yeah, you keep saying that. Listen, I’ve lived in the ‘Burgh all my life and I never heard of Asgard. Is it in West Virginia, maybe? Or Ohio?”

“It’s…up there.”

“Aw, man, you’re either gonna win an Oscar or die of a brain hemorrhage. If you’re shittin’ around in some acting thing, please quit it now. ‘Cause yinz is scaring me.”

"I’m not acting a role. I am Loki. I’m a god.”

“Well, how about you just zap yourself back to Asgard then?”

“I don’t remember how to.”

“Well, can you blink or wiggle your nose or something and give me a big pile of money? And big boobs n’at?”

“What?”

“If you’re a god, you should be able to do stuff like that.”

“That isn’t the kind of thing I do. I do grand things.”

“Oh, yeah. Glorious purpose. So how about you give them Stillers a winning season? We ain’t been to the Super Bowl in years.”

“I do things like destroying New York City.”

“Are you a terrorist jagoff or something? Because if yinz are, I’m driving straight to Number 1 Police Station and turning your ass in.”

“I’m not a terrorist. I was very sorry for what I did. My father didn’t love me. He favored my brother. Th...Th…it’s right on the tip of my tongue… Thor! My brother’s name is Thor!”

“Well, what’s his phone number? I’ll call him.”

“He doesn’t have a phone number.”

“Everybody has a phone number. Otherwise, how do yinz git in touch with each other?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“So we’re back to Square One. How about if yinz look up into the sky and yell _‘THOR’_?”

“Wait. I’m starting to remember. I escaped from Asgard. I was being held prisoner there.”

“So you’re a jailbird? Now I really _am_ driving you to Number 1 Station.”

“No, please don’t do that. I’m not evil. Just a prankster. I could make you laugh.”

“Well, I hafta tell ya, hon. For a hot guy, you’re pretty damn weird.”

“But I’m fun to have around. Don’t send me back to Asgard. You’ve been kind to me. Very kind. Claim loyalty to me. Shelter me. I will reward you.”

“Yeah? How?”

“Well, you mentioned money and enlarged breasts.”

“Yinz can do that? Square business?”

“Square business. But I don’t know if you really need the breast enhancement. Let me see what you’ve got already.”

“Are you gittin’ fresh with me? I ain’t gonna flash you my boobs. This ain’t New Orleans at Mardi Gras.”

“Well, I really need to know what I’m working with so I don’t under- or over- endow you.”

“Okay. Good point. Let’s go to my haas and…”

“Your what?”

“My haas. Where I live.”

“Oh. Your house.”

“Like I said. My haas. We can go there and talk about how you’re gonna reward me for rescuing you. How do yinz feel about oral?”

“What?”

“Oral. Sex.”

“Oh. I am told I have a great natural gift for it.”

“Loki, I have a feeling that this day is gonna turn out lucky for both of us. But we gotta get you some other clothes. That green leather is cool and all, but it ain’t Halloween so you just don’t look right. How about you start working on that big pile of money and we can get you something else to wear. Yinz’d look cool in some cargo shorts and a T shirt.”

"The first thing I’m going to do is conjure up a bigger vehicle. This one is smaller than my prison cell and my knees are up around my ears.”

“Cool. Can you make it a Porsche? Or a BMW?”

In the wink of an eye, the Mini Cooper became a brand new Space Gray Metallic BMW 7-Series Alpina B7 sedan, racing down the Parkway.

“ _Fucking A_ , Loki! You weren’t shittin’ me.”

Loki wagged his eyebrows.

“Wait till you see what else I can do for you.”


End file.
